MY GLITCH IN THE MATRIX

Writing has always been an outlet for me. A way to deal with difficult emotions that I had nowhere else to release.

So today’s post will be of a more personal nature, as I continue coping with a loss that still pains me.

Three years ago, my father passed away. I watched him go slowly. Losing him a little at a time. He had Alzheimer’s. Early onset. We don’t know how or why he got it. No one in our family ever had it. His parents didn’t have it. I spent endless hours trying to figure out what could’ve been the cause. It progressed quickly also. Two years from time of diagnosis, and he was gone. Spending my time trying to analyse the cause I guess was a coping mechanism at the time. Trying to find a meaning to this tragedy. But the truth is, we’ll never know.

And none of that takes away from the fact that he’s gone. And that I miss him.

I’ve moved twice since then, and tried out three different paths in life. So sometimes it feels like it was another lifetime ago. Other times, it feels like he’s just there in another part of the world and I could go visit anytime. But he’s not. At least not in this 3D realm.

So I cope the best I can.

For a girl, her father represents stability in her life. He’s the person I knew would always be there no matter what. The person I could turn to whenever I had troubles. My rock and my strength.

The one who would dry my tears when I was hurting, and genuinely share my joy when something great happened in my life.

So many things I gained from my father, from the wisdom to do the right thing, no matter what. To be a good person, above all. To more simple things, like my love of music and the ability to appreciate music from many different decades and of different genres. My appreciation for Star Trek came from he and my mother both…. So many little things…

Sometimes I do feel lost. Like I lost my sense of stability when I lost my father. An emptiness, knowing there’s no one there to dry my tears or catch me if I fall.

But I try hard every day to find my own inner strength. To live by the example my father set, and to make choices that I hope would make him proud.

Maybe I don’t always succeed, but I’m trying my best.