MY GLITCH IN THE MATRIX

I struggle with this a lot. I also fluctuate wildly. Some days I firmly believe I’m being called by the Universe for some type of purpose that is yet to be fully revealed but will become clear to me in time. Sometimes I even feel like I have an idea of what that calling may be. I’ll feel ablaze within, certain that something extraordinary is just around the corner. I will be aglow and enlivened, certain that a path of magical endeavours will open up before me.

But sometimes, in the still moments between distractions, the question creeps in; what’s the point of all this? We chase goals, relationships, routines, and fleeting pleasures, all whilst orbiting a sun on a tiny rock in a vast, indifferent universe. Is it all just survival dressed up in meaning? Or is there something deeper we’re missing, some hidden thread that gives this chaos coherence? The uncertainty is maddening, yet strangely beautiful, because maybe the act of questioning itself is part of what it means to be human…

But other days, it all slips away and I feel lost. Hopeless. Empty. Struggling to understand what the point or purpose of any of this existence even is. Feeling like nothing matters. Feeling stuck and stagnated, powerless and irrelevant.

This darkness can feel all consuming, pulling me into its tar pit of doom. Physically feeling its black sludge enveloping me, getting heavier and heavier the deeper down I go. It would be so easy to get stuck there permanently.

It’s then that I have to focus very intently to see that tiny glint of starlight, to draw its energy to me like a lifeline of light, and pull with all my determination to drag myself from the sludge of despair.

A shower of light to purge the black goo, and resume my path, wherever it shall lead. Rinse and repeat as often as needed. Until one day, hopefully, it will all make perfect sense to me. Preferably whilst I’m still in this physical body.